talk me down!

fellow hyenas,

i'm in trouble.

some of you may be on to the fact that i'm pretty self-absorbed. you may have learned this by noticing that i spend a lot of time talking about myself and what i'm doing. it's my blog, i can do that, so whatever. and you are too, so to any judgmental gits out there: bite me. what you may not know - but could probably figure out - is that i google myself on a regular basis, just to see what else has gotten out about me. (the answer: not much). i started doing this years ago, and because i'm obsessive and compulsive, it has since become a regular part of my life. this is how i discovered that there's a man out there, who is now probably about my father's age when he passed, with my name.

i have to confess: i got pretty upset. my whole life - twenty-three years at the time - i had been convinced that my name was pretty unique and that my father picked it very carefully, out of love, and for the sake of poetry. he was good at that. his children have fine names, with profound meanings. i don't know why i did it, but i told myself that if anyone exists with my name, they were probably dead and i was the only one left alive. oh, shut up! so it was a ridiculous lie to tell myself. so what? i didn't know anyone else with the name, i could do that! who would stop me?

fate! that's who! it was bad enough discovering that this person - this MAN - is out there. now he thinks he can facebook me!

few of you are aware of how much time i spend on crackbook. it's where i go to escape from my job. i stalk my friends, i post witty status updates and youtube videos (which is the other place i seek solace from my gray, vapid reality). facebook is home! facebook is onunu and fresh catfish stew in port harcourt. facebook is "kosh-n-dosh" at neighborhood tournaments on joe garba's basketball court in jos. facebook is swimming at presidential hotel, scaling my high school fence to buy ice cream at patisserie, making out behind the library in the pitch-black of night, far away from the moth-encrusted flourescent lights. facebook is escapism.

and now my refuge has been infiltrated by this...person! this 50-something-year-old man dared to search for me (we have no friends in common) and "friend" me, so that i am forced to stare at my own name asking me to respond to my request...except it's not me!

i can't take this. i'm not ready for this. i'm really upset. as rachel maddow would say: talk me down!!