my dignity...extra $100 in rent...my dignity...extra $100 in rent...

I’m having a bit of a problem. Ever since I moved to New Haven, I’ve been very impressed with my landlord. From the moment I met him, I felt like he was the friendliest, most considerate, helpful landlord/person I could ever have hoped to meet in Connecticut. When I expressed worry about how much the rent would be raised next year, he asked me what I would feel comfortable paying, and then raised my rent by only $25 a month. Even then, he asked me if that would be OK with me. When I told him I was spending the summer in Nigeria and was a bit worried about storage costs, he offered to store all my things in his office basement—for free. He was even willing to lose half his monthly rent intake for two months—at no cost to me—just so I would be able to lower the rent and find a sub-lessee for the summer. So you can imagine how excited I was, how blessed I felt that I had found this man. I can feel some of you shaking your heads, saying, “kulutempa, how can you be so naïve? Don’t you know that nothing comes for free?” I mean, I know all that, but dude never made a move; I just thought he was being a nice guy. He’s a big, burly Italian-American; I’m a little African girl—that combination does not a match make, in love or lust. But, as usual (and we can all chorus this by now), I was wrong.

As is normally the case in matters like this, it started innocently enough. During a succession of emails in which we were discussing the rent issue, he told me that he was impressed by how “classy” I was, and how seriously I took my education. I couldn’t help but think how deceptive appearances can be as I read that email, but I was also a bit taken aback that he would say something so personal when we were discussing money. But the fact that I was not going to have to find an extra $1000 to pay him this summer was enough to drive that niggling thought to the back of my mind with full force!

Then he started sending me “forwards”. Something about how rent prices were going up at least 25% around the country (a reminder that mine went up by only 3%, in case I wasn’t feeling enough gratitude, I suppose), then something about how women need to be more careful with their personal security lest they get raped, then something about how the Pentagon explosion of 9/11 is suspicious. Harmless enough, right? But since when did it become OK for landlords to communicate with their tenants like they are buddies? If this were his only property, I might feel differently. But he’s a big business, him and his flashy Escalade and his glittery jewelry. It was just too weird.

Then, the personal emails started coming. First, an email to ask me how my summer was going and whether I had left for Nigeria yet. At the time, I hadn’t, so I told him as much. He said he wished me a safe journey and a great summer. I said, thank you, I’ll see you in September. Then last week, he sent me an email asking me how I was doing, and how Nigeria was treating me. He said he would keep in touch and that he wanted me to do the same. I wrote him back, telling him that it could be better, but that I was hanging in there until I could start my real vacation in August. I also told him that I write update emails to my friends and family, which helped my mood. Then he sent me this:

"[kulutempa],

I feel bad for you. I think about you often, and when I do, I envision you being on a beautiful beach, relaxing and having a lot of fun. I think you mentioned this program to me before you left, and that it would be very difficult. Well, on the positive side start thinking about your upcoming Europe trip.I would love to be included on your mailing list on updates.I am having a busy summer as usual, and have not planned any vacation yet. I will keep in touch, and please do with me also. Keep positive as you usually are, and never stop that beautiful million dollar smile.

[Oga Landlord]

It took me three days to figure out how to respond to this. In the end, I ignored everything he said and just responded with a “Cheers, [Oga Landlord]! Enjoy the rest of your summer and don’t overwork yourself!” How am I supposed to face this man when I get back to New Haven? Is he my friend or my landlord? If he’s my friend, should I feel annoyed that he is even charging me rent at all? If he’s my landlord, should I be worried about the fact that he has all the keys to my place and can let himself in whenever he pleases? If he’s my friend, how come he is always telling me how he’s very happy to have me as a tenant because I’m so responsible? And if he’s my landlord, how can he be telling me that I have a million dollar smile (which he recently upgraded to a billion dollar smile wey change remain in his latest email which I’m not even going to bother posting) and that I shouldn’t stop shining my 32?

All this question aside sha, this rent na all utilities included, plus free laundry, and anyone who lives in the Northeast knows that such a deal is not easy to come by. Me that my space heater doesn’t go off for even one hour during the winter…no be beans o! And all these free kickbacks I’m getting—forget that thing. I have my pride, but at $825 a month, I am content to play the mumu, provided Oga Landlord doesn’t suddenly start leaving small tokens of “appreciation” in my apartment when I’m not there. Abi una no agree?

This is why I need a job. I shouldn’t have to worry about such things.