sadness

i feel sadness in my hand. like a heart attack, despair shoots down my left side and tingles in my palm. which means if i shed a tear, if i dwell on this sadness, i will conjure my own death. so i don't. i will scream, i will bite, and i will throw things. i will kick, i will slap, and i will say things. and none of those things can be taken back. they will build on each other, mounds of insults atop a foundation of hurt, until they create this enormous wall of animosity between us. and then, just like that, we won't be friends anymore.

then. only then. will i cry.