he loves me...he loves you not...

Nigerian men: do me a favor and stop telling me that my boyfriend doesn't love me. Seriously, it's annoying. Even if it were true, I wouldn't want to hear it. But as it happens, for once in my life, this isn't the case and I would really love to be able to enjoy it without your negative remarks clouding my sun-filled love affair!

Every conversation starts off the same:

NM: How's your sex life?
K: What?!

Maybe being in America is turning me prudish, even though in my heyday, I was a little bit of a freak. But my Naija people seem to really enjoy talking about sex. I mean, really. I can't count the number of public conversations I've had that turned to sex, and not just in general terms. This guy I was dating once took me to meet his friends and family. During after dinner drinks, he thought it would be appropriate to announce to everyone present that I thought he "didn't know how to do it well". And everyone just laughed like it was perfectly acceptable! Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer to work out my sexual dilemmas in the privacy of a bedroom. Preferably with only one other person in it. I was mortified. Suffice it to say, we didn't hook up anymore after that.

But back to the conversation.

K: What?!
NM: It's a simple question. How's your sex life?
K: I don't believe you're asking me this?
NM: It must be quite bad.
K: What?!
NM: If it were good, you would have answered without hesitating.
K: Oh sweet Jesus...
NM: There's no need to bring him into this. Is your sex life any good or not?

It was time for a little deflection, I thought.

K: I mean, shit...how's your sex life?
NM: It's OK. Not great. The girl I'm with isn't making my man stand up as much as before.

I was cringing.

K: Oh.
NM: Yeah, and you know what that means?
K: You have to get another girlfriend?
NM: Exactly. Well, she's not my girlfriend. But yes, she's boring as hell. And my man can't be deciding for me when he's going to stand and not stand.
K: Right. OK.
NM: So now that I've answered you. How is your sex life?

It was clear he was prepared to persist until he got his answer. So I decided to give some semblance of an answer.

K: Um. Same as yours, I guess.
NM: Same as mine, eh?
K: Well, you know how this relationship thing is. Sex starts to dwindle...
NM: Sounds like your man has the same problem as me. Better be careful, make sure he's not stepping out.
K: Stepping out?
NM: I'm a guy, I know these things. Consider it friendly advice.

This is where I started to take offense. First of all, I've got major issues with men to begin with. It hasn't mattered who I'm dating: I'm filled with a venomous distrust that showed no signs of abating until I met the man with whom I currently share my life. Despite all my efforts, he has refused to let me get the best of him, and has mulishly continued to show me that he, frankly, truly, cares. The first time I realized that he meant it, that he really meant it, was...refreshing. I have since learned to love the feeling of knowing that, under no circumstance, was this person going to do anything to dishonor our partnership or bring disrepute to his name.

And here comes this joker, trying to compare my ray of sunshine to his putrid, misshapen carcass of a human shell! But I didn't get mad. One major bonus being with someone like CB is that he makes me so very happy - I nearly don't deserve the "kulutempa" moniker anymore. Nearly. So I didn't jump down NM's bitter throat immediately. Instead I said:

K: What makes you think he's like you? You're different men with different beliefs and different ways of doing things.

And NM lost his shit. I don't really remember the details, but basically he decided that I was being bitchy and overly sensitive and that I could go and suck an egg. I, in turn, decided the conversation was over and hung up on him. So much for cooling my temper.

Why do they do this? Why is there always someone waiting at every turn to tell me that the life I'm living doesn't exist for me, simply because it doesn't exist for them? I'm as jaded as they come; there was a time when I wouldn't have believed that men like CB existed. Then I stopped dating Nigerians and was forced to change my mind. And before you other brand of naysayers step out of the woodworks: I'm not saying that non-Nigerians don't cheat or that all Nigerians cheat, or that only Nigerians cheat, for that matter. But I am saying that there is an accepted behavior amongst Nigerians that doesn't exist in the non-Nigerian circles I run with, and that I haven't had to put up with since I started hanging in those circles.

First it was G; now it's CB. And both have balked at the mere suggestion that they would stray, mostly because they are very sensitive guys with no ability to lie. I can dig that. Plus, CB and I are currently joined so firmly at the hip that I don't see where he'd find time to run around on me, even if he were so inclined. God knows I don't have any!

But more than anything, I would really appreciate it if you people who are still living in what I will call The Dark Ages would please stop hounding me with your bitterness, dismissing my current satisfaction as so much balderdash; just accept the fact that I'm living a life you haven't been lucky enough to experience yourselves! God don't like ugly. And neither do I.

The End.