"love your tits. where'd you get 'em?"

now that i'm back at the gym (yes, again), i'm going to need to tame my bikini area on a more consistent basis. takiroroff, if you will. because women strip at the gym. they strip totally naked. and i kinda want to fit in.

but i have a dilemma: these women are obviously comfortable wearing skin and nothing else. i'm not there yet. but their nudity intrigues me. and not just because i'm curious about what's out there, but also cuz i want to know what i'm up against, not just at the gym, but in the real world where we compete for all kinds of attention. so here's the question: when is it ok to look?

last time i was in the locker room, i took a huge leap and got topless. i also took a locker close to the entrance, so i was the first person the women would see on their way in. that was a miscalculation. i kept trying to dive into my 1x3 locker every time i thought i heard incoming footsteps. but i was going for incremental denuding, you know: start at the edge, take your top off, work your way to the middle where you can get butt naked with the other girls. anyway, so this girl comes in while i'm getting dressed and goes to her locker, which is only separated from mine by one. and her clothes come flying off. i mean, i turn away to put on my bra, turn back around and her ass cheeks are spread out in my face. in my hurry to look away, i smacked my elbow on the locker door and heard my deodorant clatter to the floor. awkward!

what was she bending down to get that she couldn't pick up with her toes?? why didn't she pick it up while she was still wearing underwear? was she showing off? these were the questions i asked myself as i fought vainly to wipe away the image of her vag that was now burned into the forefront of my memory. i wondered about other things too. such as: when a woman does that, she wants you to notice her, right? so would it have been appropriate for me to settle down to the show and give her a critique afterwards? "nice trim. who's your stylist?"

there needs to be a socially acceptable outlet for those who must respond to what they're seeing in the locker room. i need to be able to react more gracefully, more naturally, than bruising my elbow while i panic internally. what i really want to do is stroll around and pass silent judgment without having to feel like i'm infringing on privacy. and what privacy? you're showing your ass to strangers! there is not one private compartment in the entire locker room, which means nobody should expect to be spared the scrutiny. even when you're the only black chick there, your different-ness just begging to be noticed. beware the unleashed me!

sidenote:
i also have to try not to take it personally when a girl has nicer tits than i do. there was this one chick with the most be-yoot-iful breasts i've ever seen. i wanted to shove her into the dirty towel receptacle and make her eat one. until she swung around to pick up her towel and they didn't move. score one for me! they may be on a southbound trip to hell, but at least they're real and my man is still excited to touch them. i hear the fake ones just don't bring as much to the table. bed. whatever.

the end!