Friday, October 29, 2010

Queen of Vagina

I've been in a funky mood for about two weeks. Vinegar is flowing through my veins, I spit fire when I talk. I don't love my friends as much as I did on October 16th. The only person guaranteed to make me smile these days is Majela Zeze Diamond, a.k.a. Queen of Vagina.

She is my hero.

She doesn't write songs; she writes public service announcements. Did you know that 2 + 2 is not actually 4 but vagina? Actually, 2 + 2 is vagina, vagina and vagina. The sum of two twos is also vagina and "pinis", which means that one pinis equals two vaginas, which may or may not be an argument against monogamy. Queen of Vagina is deep, man.

Q of V's songs/PSAs typically last about three minutes and are astoundingly effective. She keeps 'em simple: no more than three parts, the message of each segment repeated rhythmically until it is hammered so deeply into all three layers of your psyche that you will not forget it, no matter how hard you try. Listen to her, I dare you. Queen of Vagina is like crystal meth: all it takes is once. I entered what I now see is a lifetime contract innocently, and now, no matter what I'm doing, no matter who I'm talking to, whatever song I'm listening to on my iPod, Queen of Vagina is there, wailing, "Vaja, vaja, vaja, vagina o-oo-o-o! Vaja, vaja, vaja, vagina eh-eeh-eh-eh!"

I like that she keeps it clean, in her own way, for the most part. She doesn't cheapen her privates by referring to them in feline terms. And even though she is very clear on the fact that she doesn't even respect men, who are "very stupid", she obviously accords much respect to their genitalia, which she sometimes refers to by its formal name, "John Tomos."

I fear I'm growing too attached. As she is currently my only source of true and complete joy, I've begun to study her, trying to find out (or make up) her story. I want to know: do her shoes match her earrings or her eyeshadow? Does she own a MacBook? Does she really bark out orders like, "Give it to me, baby!" when she's doing John Tomoses "until they are knackered"? And is that person in the cap-and-gown on the wall photo behind her the self she used to be before she became the Queen of Vagina too few of us know and love? So many questions....

I'm going to wear a blonde wig, tight red tee, denim jacket and shiny, purple hot pants for Halloween this year. Some people will call that my costume. I think it'll be the banana peel on my slide into Nigeria-induced mental instability, kinda like the Ted Levine character in Silence of the Lambs who skinned women to make himself a body suit. I promise to take loads of pictures and paste them all over my room.

8 comments:

Miss Fizzy said...

Lmao... I've got "I'm gonna show you my geni... I'm gonna show you my geni..." stuck in my head all the time. Am I the only one that thinks it sounds a bit like a Nigerian church song, complete with shuffling side to side movements and additional "ooohhhs" and "ehhhhs"?

kulutempa said...

All we need to complete the ensemble is a shekere and a few people in the background clapping accompaniment! This woman has sung in a choir before, I just know it.

Miss Fizzy said...

oh don't forget the Christian Mothers asoebi... and some skyscraping geles. Hmm serious stuff...

Myne Whitman said...

I saw that video before, from the male video it is a response to, I laughed my head off.

@Miss Fizzy, The song is actually based on a Christian chorus rhythm, LWKMD...

Patrice said...

You are too much, and so is she. Why did I listen to that song in its entirety, and then some of her other songs too.

She reveals a lot more about herself in "I'm Gonna Show You My Genitalia". Who says the truth hurts? It's actually funny, especially when it is sung off key.

Anonymous said...

Personally to me she comes across as a mentally vulnerable adult, who was probably raped as a child.Nothing to laugh about, much to pity. But hey that's just me.

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Anonymous said...

She sings "I lost my virginity at 13: true story!" and claims to have had sex with "over 100 dickies" in her youth which has resulted in her sex addiction and promiscuity.

Shes very straight forward about all this. Were the people she slept with at age 13 her are or older? Hard to know. Judging her as vulnerable seems like a stretch, she claims to be powerful- ROYALTY no less, someone not to pity but to worship.