Friday, July 20, 2007

What's the Proof You're Crying If No One Can See Your Tears?

I'd forgotten the benefits of a good cry. As a matter of fact, I'd told myself - again - that there weren't any. I go through bouts of this: stop crying for a few months or years, suddenly re-discover the surge of energy one gets from the release of those salty missiles, and then I overindulge until I'm sick of it. I've been doing this since 1995, after my father's execution plunged me deep into a depression that lasted two years. I went to school every day and I still got A's, but I rarely even smiled and I certainly never cried. Only Shirley held the magic that momentarily diffused the pain - she who, when I told her I was going to commit suicide, told me to "drink water." (Why that worked, I'll never understand.) For her, I smiled and even laughed, within the safety of our friendship.

Years later, I'm not so depressed anymore but I still try to stave off my tears. I see them as a sign of weakness, even when I know they're not. I hate the reflexive nature of crying, as though there could be no other go-to option.

Today, though, after a long dry spell, I let loose. There was no obvious trigger; I just felt full of something that leaked out and subsequently burst my dam. I cried in my desk chair, rolled over the short distance so I could cry on my bed. Then I got up and walked to the bathroom - avoiding the mirror so I wouldn't get embarrassed - and I cried while I showered.

It's a surreal experience, crying in the shower. Because no matter how much your body shakes, and no matter how breathless you get, you can't actually feel the tears falling down your face and for me, I found myself wondering if I was crying at all. And then, as the tears mixed with the water and cascaded down my body, I wondered if the hurting could be real when my tears were invisible. As I debated the absurdity of my thought, I forced out a fresh batch of tears and contemplated the burning sensation in my eyes.

They stopped as abruptly as they had started.
Reservoir empty, disappeared down the drain.






Note: This entry not to be confused with a display of sorrow. I wasn't crying because I'm particularly sad. I guess I was just full of something that chose to come out in tears, whatever that "something" might be. Thanks for love, though, Reader in Toronto and Chxta :-).

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Whatever the questions are, you will find the answers, it is well.

Peace and Love, Reader in Toronto.

Chxta said...

When the rain's blowing in your face
And there's no one to dry your tears
I would offer you a warm embrace


Hang in there deary, there is a bright light at the end of every tunnel.

Anonymous said...

'whats proof you're crying if no one can see your tears..'
hauntingly beautiful.. u should write a poem with it.

(ps, there's always a reason/ trigger.. u jus have to want to figure it out..)

Moody Crab said...

I have days that I just breakdown for no on reason at all and after that I feel better. It is well, my dear...it is well.

Anonymous said...

When the thundercloud
passes rain
so let it rain
rain down on you

(Okay, so I messed with some U2 lyrics, but it was necessary.)

soul said...

Crying can be soo cathartic.. just like cleaning.

sometimes, our bodies chose to purge us of our burdens even when we don't want to.

Kafo said...

this reminds mii of mii
of course my spells don't last 2 years but months of bottling everything in eventually lead to meltdown triggerd by nothing

i feel u

I'm with geisha u should write a poem

Anonymous said...

Aaaah...a really good hearty cry is very good for the soul.

Jennifer A. said...

Interesting question...crying in the shower...do you really feel like you're crying at all? Because the water from the shower gets mixed with the tears...

(I never even thought of that concept before)...

Psalm 56:8 says that "God stores your tears in a bottle," I believe that the reason is that when you're finally free from your tears, you will remember how God rescued you...the tears are only a memorial to your testimony...

Uzo said...

For someone who doesnt like to show weakness, avoiding the mirror and crying in the shower r things i do frequently...

Very interesting place to be - crying for no "concrete reason"..

It is well.....

uknaija said...

Beautiful post...

Anonymous said...

GADEMIT..That your shower depiction...so poignant! so real!

TDVA said...

i find tears dripping from my eyes as i read this. not because i'm particularly sad, but because i've held it in for too long. i hope to cry more when i get in the shower. for me it's the only private place right now.