This Is What Happens When You Date White People

*Out of love and respect for the people I an writing about, they shall remain nameless. But this story was too good not to tell!

My girl friend (who is black) is dating this guy (who is white). His English isn't very good, and he's never dated a black girl before, but he saw the ebony skin and taut, round behind of my girl and fell head over heels in lust with the chick. Having never dated a white guy before either, she was confused at first, and therefore dismissive, but as he heaped flattery upon flattery on her, she and her ego succumbed to his advances. After all, body no be wood and it had been a while since she had experienced toasting of this caliber. As it turns out, he's the best she's ever had and the lust has turned into something closely resembling love. You know how it is: they spend a lot of time on the phone, saying sweet nothings to one another, and while some of the rest of us have a difficult time wading through the murky waters of his strange English and his thick accent, "lurve" has opened her spiritual ears so that she even knows what he's about to say before he says it (na wa o!).

When the phone disappoints, they switch to text messages. I was privileged enough to share in one of his last text messages to her, and I partly extend this privilege to you that you might witness the epitome of interracial dating faux pas. Read:

"When I see dark coloured girl in tv...when i find your nilon hair in room, then i must think about u and i must start be VERY VERY VERY HORNY!!! [Whole bunch of sweetness, then...] Mwuah [nickname he's given her in his language that means "bum bum"]."

Minutes later, after I had picked myself up off the floor and wiped the tears of mirth from my eyes, I sat back and started to analyze these words of love from our homie. It's actually quite profound. First of all, here is this guy who clearly doesn't have the same hangups about race as the rest of us and will straight up tell his ebony queen that any "dark coloured girl in tv" serves as a reminder of her. It actually caught me off-guard for a second: is “Dark Coloured” going to be the new “Black”?

Then of course the piece de résistance: “nilon hair”. Here was my friend, knacking weave-on (not just a weave o, but weave-on), feeling as if she has managed to deceive the bobo small. For where! I mean, the boy even named the material they used to manufacture the hair! People are finding hair in their beds, dude is finding nylon! Lol…kai, I’m never going to stop laughing at this. Reminds me of the first time I ever made out with a white guy. I was really getting into running my fingers through his hair, since I usually can only rub scalp or, last last, pull on some of that curly wool. I don’t know what made him feel as though he could return the gesture o; whether he did not notice that it was afro I was rocking. As e chook finger and the thing no gree enter, the guy confuse small. He was looking at my hair like it was a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle, then he eventually settled for patting it, like it was a dog or a bereaved widow: there, there. Priceless. I guess the moral of the story is that there is no winning with these white people. If you put in a weave, you are not deceiving anyone and you just look stupid for walking around with leatherbag strings on your head. If you get a relaxer, you can’t go near water, and we all know how these white people love to swim and enter rain. If you go natural, they don't know what to do with it. No wonder black women have complexes about their hair.

Lastly, our friend actually nicknamed his girlfriend “Buttocks”. Yes, yes, he buttered it up and said it actually means “Bum Bum” (which none of us can verify as he is the only person from his country that we know), but must he carry his love for that body part so far? And what’s up with these men loving our asses so much anyway? My oyinbo was in LOVE with mine, me who is frequently called “flat waist” by my Sierra Leonean friends, “kulu-no-nyash” by my Nigerian friends, “don’t worry, it will come out soon” by my family members and “I’m a breast man, anyway” by my boyfriends. I mean, I could have married him for that alone! But yes, the fascination with which our friend admires my girl’s ass has made her question whether it is truly her he adores or her posterior. She offered to frame it and give it to him as his girlfriend, and he only rejected the idea after a brief hesitation.

There’s no point to this story, really. I just had to share.