There is dog piss on my beautiful couch. And all over my living room carpet. And every surface that used to be white is either brown or black. I opened my bathroom door and staggered back three steps because of the overwhelming stench of dog and human waste. I opened the toilet and called upon the Lord, because I could not even have crouched over what I saw in there. I had to drive to DC to shower because there was no way that I was putting one toe in my shower. I had to spray Lysol in the sink before I could brush my teeth. And I could not see my face clearly in the mirror because of the dried toothpaste-and-spit mixture that decorated it. And the girl is expecting her security deposit. Hm-hm! Do you know she even had the audacity to leave the dog's food and toys for me in my cupboards? Hm-hm!
I have to give credit to the makers of cleaning supplies in America sha. I didn't have to scrub the toilet at first after I put Clorox's Toilet Cleaner with Bleach. Almost all that mess was bleached right off. Then I put on my glove and face mask, got the scrubbing brushes and went to work. It took me almost 2 hours to finish the bathroom, but every surface is gleaming (even behind the toilet--I was a madwoman at work yesterday) in there. I almost licked the toilet just to prove that I could (but that's still gross and I'd never do that without a gun being pointed to my head--would you lick a toilet green with bacteria, algae and brown with shit for $8,000?). Anyway Lysol, Clorox, and Comet products are the shit. Use 'em!
As I cleaned, I was envisioning all kinds of court scenarios, in case she tries to sue me for keeping her security deposit. Me in front of Judge Judy or Judge Joe Brown, telling them how this girl is a disgusting pig, showing them all the pictures I took as evidence of her disgusting self and habits (and I took SO many pictures), bringing my character witnesses to say that there is no way I would have lived in a place like this, talk less of accepting as the way the apartment was when she moved in (cuz she was meant to have left the place in the same condition as it was when she met it). Bloody thief. She wants to 419 Naija babe. Story go pass story when I finish with this chick.
Anyway, on another tip, I've been obsessed with the question of what one would do for the right price. For example, if you're a guy, how much would you accept to kiss, i.e. smooch and rrrrromance, another dude? I "offered" $80K, but most guys are like, "If I can pick the guy, I will do it for even $1K sef!" Apparently, knowing that the guy has good oral hygiene is very important. And yet I have had to suffer through more than one dirty-mouth, bad breath kissing session in my life in the name of "love". Men are very stupid and selfish. Back to the task at hand: how much would you accept to lick that toilet I described in one of my former posts ? (Come to think of it, since I left Ife, my life has begun to revolve around toilets and their states of hygiene.) Ladies, how much would you accept to have sex with two dudes at the same time? And while we're on it, would the guys have sex with another guy for $10 million? Would anyone accept money to kiss Jim Iyke? That requires an "LOL"...as in, I would have to see the briefcase full of money, and it would have to be within reach so I can snatch it as soon as I have finished kissing the guy, cuz he looks like TicTacs will not help him in this life!
Ok, I have to go back to cleaning. I have been cleaning this place since Monday night; which kain nonsense...and she wants security deposit. Hm-hm!
Update: She and/or her dog pissed on my comforter. There are giant and tiny yellow stains all over my EXPENSIVE, DOWN comforter that have smells that strongly resemble that of urine.
And she wants her security deposit back.
I have entered the white-rage stage of anger.
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8 comments:
Nice post, and equally nice blog. I enjoy your stories :)
Haha Kulu take it easy o.I can imagine u fuming,I hope the gurl those not come around looking for her deposit back cos it seems u could pounce on her o.
Whatz up with the "what would one do for the right price obsession o?" Abi u wan go on fear factor?
That is sooooo messed up. I would have to buy a new couch and replace everything that's replaceable. Just itemize your expensives...infact...I think you should even bill her on top of the security deposit that i hope you're keeping...STUPID GIRL...i dont understand some ppl sha...destroyers of everything good...
if you're doing the court thing...go to Judge Judy :-)
@ naijabloke: you won't answer the questions, you are asking me about fear factor. but, omo, those fear factor people are jokers because i would not do most of those stunts for the money they are offering! next blog: sexual fantasies ;-)
@ diamond: i was imagining myself on judge mathis, actually, but that guy can flip the script on somebody eh! one second he's on your side, the next he is dashing the other person your money. but yeah, i'm compiling a list of what she owes me. she won't pay, but she also won't have a leg to stand on if she's trying to claim security deposit. that heifer better not show up in this state because if i even SMELL her...hm!
DAYUM!!!! That's messed up yo. Heck you shuld bill her for the clenaing too.
To answer ur question,Kulu I no go lie..I cant answer this question,cos money can make u do anything o.Am pretty sure some ppl will be saying nah they cant do this and that,but when u see the cash money smiling at u and winking,u will be surprise what a lot of these ppl will do.
lol very funny post and i was laughing my head off at the jim iyke joke i also dont find him attractive as in not in the least. girl ur good
Tchw, I know I'm like years late, but I still want to beat that girl.
And you wouldn't have to pay me to have sex with two dudes at a time, I'm still trying to organize that in my own life, lol!! Sigh.
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