I Am Paralyzed

Chineke God of Allah, I...am...in...pain!! Sake of say person wan resemble Janet Jackson, I have been working out religiously since the beginning of the semester. I don't know whether I am trying to make up for my year-long hiatus from regular, structured exercise, but I really injured myself on Thursday after I ran, then did (serious) weight exercises on my legs for about 40 minutes. I woke up on Friday with a mysterious pain on the right side of my right leg, between my lower thigh and upper calf. I was not aware that I had a muscle there that could be pulled, and yet there it was, throbbing. Standing up required Herculian strength of will; walking could only start off slowly and painfully. But I was OK. I made it through an afternoon of shopping (spending money I had no right to spend), came home and got ready for a night of drinking with some people I know. I felt energized, so I dressed cute and wore heels. I am an idiot.

After a night of strutting my stuff up and down New Haven, standing around socializing for four hours in my friend's apartment, then standing in the freezing New England wind waiting for the Yale shuttle to take me home at 2:30 in the morning, I got into bed and crashed immediately. Even my toilet dreams couldn't wake me up. You know those dreams you have when you really need to pee, so you dream that you've woken up to pee (sometimes even in your own toilet), then when you really wake up, you find that you're lying in a gigantic wet spot? Well, it's been years since those dreams have managed to successfully fool me (even though now, when I'm awake and peeing, I still have to double-check and make sure that I'm not actually asleep--don't judge me; I'm not the only one who does that!), so even though I peed in my dreams about 4 times, I managed to remind myself that I was still sleeping and needed to stay in control of the situation. Anyway, at 9:06am, I decided that I couldn't put if off any longer; I needed to empty ye old bladder. I attempted to swing my legs out of bed, but I found that every time I shifted anything below my hips, excruciating pain radiated from my thighs to my toes and hair follicles and even shook the bed. I thought I would never get out of bed again, which would have been unfortunate because I still needed to pee really badly. I ended up flinging myself onto the floor, and clawing my way to the bathroom on my elbows and stomach, army-style. Overly dramatic? I think not! It was a waste of time, though, cuz I still had to stand up once I got there and that hurt so much I prayed for my legs to fall off.

I won't bore you with the details, but the fact of the matter is that I am having serious trouble even walking at the moment. I still bravely hobbled to my Pilates class at the gym this morning where I was told that the stretching would help relieve my sore hamstrings, but now even my hobbling has been reduced to a slow, slow, cautious shuffle. The only relief I have comes from long, hot showers but that relief is shortlived. Ah, if only someone would come and give me a massage. And I was supposed to play footie tomorrow. Damn it. How am I supposed to get fit and good-looking if I keep injuring myself??

Now I just bit my inner cheek.
When it rains, it pours.